Head in a fog
I sit down to write and my mind goes blank. I can't seem to even muster one good sentence to tweet, to post on FB, anything to let you know I'm still here, still sarcastic, witty, and sometimes informative. Still fun to connect with. I've worked hard to create an online presence, after all, what's the point of writing if no one reads it? (okay, sometimes there is great purpose in that). So, why is my mind in a heavy fog? Everything. I'm so stressed that I can't separate one stresser from another. I'm going in circles, getting slammed into every time I feel like things start to get on track.
Today I was incapable of any clear thought which led to me rushing my kids to get ready for a class we didn't make it to because I couldn't manage to get my own self ready. I just couldn't think at all! If I can clear the fog away for a few minutes and just figure out what groceries I need to buy tomorrow and what classes to get the kids to, I'll be worlds better than I was most of today.
Today, the morning flew by as I ran around maniacally doing I have no idea what, at home. I forgot to make the kids' lunch so at the last minute I attempted to throw some food together. It took me a half hour to get three sandwiches made. I forgot to buy gas and luckily heard the little bell go off that tells me to get my butt to the gas station. I gave up at that point and we headed to the park until dinner time (which by then was only a few hours away). I picked up burritos, spending money on take-out that I really don't have, but it was better than trying to pull another thought out of my thick skull to figure out what to cook. I am currently trying to separate my to-do list into need to do, really need to do, and do now. Maybe if I can get back to crossing off one thing on a list at a time, it will keep me from feeling so overwhelmed and forgetting anything truly important!
My husband is home recovering from knee surgery and I haven't had my usual time alone in my nighttime insomnia for weeks. He's been up late while he doesn't have to get up early the next day. For a while it was fun to have that time together, to actually watch a grown up movie together, but, that can't happen every night, I have things to do. While I'm attempting to catch up on my email he's watching the History channel, full of wars and anything but stress relief, I find myself heading up to bed earlier so I can seek quiet and solace. Though I don't sleep. I just lay there as my cats and dog move around here and there, on my feet, on my head, on my chest, my back... Maybe I hadn't noticed how much they climb around me when I'm asleep?! Or are they feeding off my anxious energy?
Parenting pretty much on my own, caring for him, trying to make ends meet in our current situation and everything else that needs taking care of in life, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. My stress level grows as does my to-do list, but I can't bring myself to focus on one thing at a time, so I don't do anything. I'm paralyzed. I can hardly breathe. Not to mention the stress hanging over our heads of him not working, unsure how long life will be on hold. I don't like to rush around him during the day, so am not keeping up with housework. The kids are distracted with him here, and not wanting to engage in learning in the same way they normally do when Dad is at work until afternoon.
I love my husband, but the little bit of routine we did have is topsy-turvy and I feel like we're in limbo. Waiting. Just waiting. My plans to delve into my writing and blogging have been pushed out to an unknown date. I am working more hours in childcare to keep us afloat. I'm hoping disability doesn't drag their feet, but not knowing if or when we'll be getting a paycheck is like a wave that will come crashing down any minute and I can't know if it will wipe us out or if we'll be able to dig in and hold our ground.
It's also coming close to the day my Mom-in-law passed away. Lately, she is lingering in the back of my mind, dragging me down into depression since I could really use her strength right now. I know my husband is in the same place, probably even more so. Other friends and family I care for are having major health problems and somewhere in there I'm mourning my miscarriage. I didn't think it had affected me in that way, but it keeps coming to mind lately, though it was back in November. I wasn't far along, but I notice babies in a way I didn't before. Not so much a longing to have one as my heart drops into my stomach for a second when I see one. It's completely illogical and involuntary.
I'm trying to swim back up to the surface. To breathe and take it a day at a time. To clear my head and deal with one problem at a time, such as where are my kids' shoes now? Whenever was the last time those kids bathed? Did I send the mortgage payment? Have I transferred the laundry?
What do you do to cope when you're overwhelmed?