GA

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I'm a failure when I'm not great at everything


Sandy Toes- I'm a Failure when I'm not Great at everything!
I'm a Failure, Failure, Failure! That thought has been running through my mind for days. I finally gave in and broke down on Monday and just cried. I can't do it. I can't do any of it!

If I just had one thing to do, I would be so great at it! If I was just a mom, even a homeschooling mom, I could be so great!

If I was just an artist, and had a space to create and my day could be spent getting my art seen... I could totally do it!

If I was just a writer, and only needed to keep up with this blog and get the word out... keep up with Twitter, Facebook, all those social media things that get my words read... I could be so great!

But I can't.

I'm a mom, and a homeschooling mom at that, not spending enough quality time with my kids, or teaching them enough. Snapping at them, letting them watch too much t.v, so I can attempt to meet deadlines. I'm an artist who is failing at getting things made, let alone up for sale or even seen. I'm a writer who can't even manage to post on her blog once a week and has almost completely given up trying to keep up with social media! I'm a wife, cook, maid, nurse, teacher, house keeper, accountant, organizer, scheduler, manager, coach, stylist, photographer, taxi driver, personal shopper, and so much more! I just Can Not keep up!

My house is a disaster. I haven't been cooking, or even able to plan a meal. Or get to the store! I never used to run completely out of anything! And I used to cook every night! I had a meal plan for the week, so when I get manic at 5pm because I've waited too long to eat and am incapable of thinking up what to cook, I look at my list of meals I know I've got stuff for and can whip up something quick! I haven't had time to work on a quilt for a client, get my holiday items up on Etsy, or stick to my blogging schedule, which is only to post once a week on Tuesday night!

Sandy Toes- I'm a Failure when I'm not Great at everything!I did finally get my Etsy shop updated. And finished my quilt on Saturday. But had to wait till my hubby fixed the wire to the pedal on my sewing machine that Monkey had cut! (So glad I always leave it unplugged!) Lucky Jay can fix anything. I didn't have to kill him. (He keeps messing with everything to see how it works and soon nothing in my house is going to work!!) And it was only by ignoring everything else until I had it done, such as being a wife, mother, teacher, cook, maid...

I was so stressed out after days of this horrible mantra repeating unwittingly through my head and feeling like I was drowning in to-do lists! Plus I was meeting with Monkey's E.S. (education specialist through his charter school) the following Tuesday and we haven't been learning anything!! With Thanksgiving and then getting ready for the Christmas season, not to mention trying to catch up with my art, writing, house cleaning, ... schooling had fallen on the back burner!

Monday came (Cleaning day. No cleaning went on.) and I couldn't get an invoice to send, USPS wouldn't accept the address so I could "quickly" print a shipping label before running out the door. The kids were driving me absolutely insane! Nothing was going right that day. I was yelling at my kids and the realization hit me: I had become a horrible mother and that is the most unacceptable thing in my world!

If you follow my FB, you would have seen this post:

Why does all hell break loose as soon as I try to get something done? Trying to write and kids have been whining at me and screaming at each other all morning! Then to top it off, Boo didn't quite make it to the bathroom, Monkey stepped in it...! Is Monday over yet?!

I just couldn't cope anymore.


Sandy Toes- I'm a Failure when I'm not Great at everything!Finally, I dropped everything. I did get the label to print, but I decided we were not going to the store even though we were out of milk. I called my husband to do it, and if you know me, I do not ask for help! After sanitizing both kids and one sparkling spot on my floor, I fixed us lunch. I had previously thought enough healthy snacks (a "chunk-lunch" my mom always called it) would suffice for that day's lunch, but we sat down together for this somewhat second, late lunch and ate together. Not rushing. Just eating. I hugged and kissed my kids and made sure they knew I loved them even when I was frustrated and apologized for losing it. We went to the library only to pick up a book I had on hold and by the post office, but forgo all my other errands.

Then home to put Boo down for a nap and I tried to get Monkey to shell out some paperwork quick for our school meeting tomorrow! He was less than cooperative. The anxiety was rising again and I snapped at him to do these math problems and then yes I would make a craft with him! He sadly did and then I helped him make a board game, which was great fun and I was so impressed! I must brag about it! It's a race to Christmas with characters from the classic holiday movies like Rudolph, Santa, the Winter Warlock, and Heat Miser, who can either send you forward or back a few spaces. We played it over and over until Dad came home. I lost every time.

Sandy Toes- I'm a Failure when I'm not Great at everything!I cried again on his shoulder because I still needed to vent, but amazingly, he recognized how much I do and said he was okay with the state of the house, the dirty floors, dishes, and laundry, the piles of stuff to find a place for, even the lack of cooking, and ordered me not to do any more work that evening. He even said I'm a wonderful mother, which I know is not true. Not today.

I took Monkey to karate class and then to get him a much needed new pair of shoes. Just him, alone, with no crazy little sister! We had fun together.


We ordered take out.

Again.


Now, Tuesday turned out to be wonderfully, fabulously Terrific!

We got up and out of the house without issues AND on time! Even with it being the first day of Monkey's new shoes which he needed to learn to tie. He really wanted these shoes and I tried to get him interested in the Velcro ones, but he insisted. And guess what? I showed him a few times and the first time he put them on, he tied his own shoes! He needed some help and direction, but he did it! Himself! He was so determined! I tightened them up, but it reminded me of all his learning. And brought to mind (like a slap in the face) the horrible thing I did yesterday of forcing him to do math problems on paper! We're mainly unschoolers so this was an extremely rare occurrence and I am so ashamed I did that to him. Normally I follow his interests and incorporate things he needs to learn in fun ways. When he wants to learn something, when he loves something, he learns it before I can blink! When I make him do something, he may do it, but what's he really learned? Nothing. Or maybe that I'm pushy and he feel stifled and controlled.

We listened to Monkey's history book on CD (him eager to hear the whole chapter before we arrived) in the car on the way to drop him at school and then Boo and I went to the mall to return some boots. It wasn't open yet! Now why I thought it should be open at 9:30am, I don't know, shows how much I get out, but Starbucks was (hallelujah!)! I'm not a fan of huge corporations, but I can make exceptions! I was forced to get a white chocolate mocha with whipped cream and sit by the fountain with my adorable little girl who entertained the little old lady mall walkers with her smiles and unintelligible chatter. Then some swinging Christmas music came on and we danced! Right there in the middle of the mostly empty mall, we danced! We boogied and twirled! Normally I try to draw as little attention to myself as possible, but you know what?! My little girl wanted to dance and I needed to let loose, too! I was worn out by the time the stores opened!


Sandy Toes Creations- I'm a Failure when I'm not Great at everything!
We went home and I somehow managed to get lunches packed and gather Monkey's school work samples with so little time before I had to pick him up and head to his ancient history club at the DLC. Boo played with friends and educational toys while Monkey enjoyed his class and painted an awesome ancient Egyptian mask!

I met with his E.S. who was actually impressed with all we had done in the last month! WHICH WAS HUGE for me! I had felt like we didn't do any learning all month, having not written anything down as we did it, and with holidays... But when I listed what we had actually done, where we had gone, and had gathered his various tangible work (thank God for his Tuesday morning class) into one place... once again, I am happily shocked that so much learning really was going on! I floated high on a cloud the rest of the day! (Just to clarify, Monkey's ES never makes me feel pressured, she's awesome! I do that to myself.)

I took Boo home for a nap, played Monkey's board game again, and then took him to karate. We had a great conversation on the way and he had a blast in class. Got to help his teacher demonstrate twice! We stopped by Grandma's to show off his fabulous shoes, I got a mommy hug, then picked up burritos on the way home. Walked around outside and looked at all the Christmas lights that went up over the weekend and then to bed. I decided curling up to sleep with my hubby was more important than blogging (after a few hours of walking Boo back to bed).

It was a good day and I am great at everything. (Today)


45 comments :

  1. Great post! We've all been there. Glad you got through the stress storm!

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    1. Me too! I know I'm not alone and next time (unfortunately I know I'll be there again)I'll take you up on your D.E.A.R. tip much sooner!

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  2. I hope you can get a moms night out/in soon...I don't even mean with other moms, but just some time completely to yourself. In the meantime, you might enjoy reading this: http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2012/11/9/why-youre-never-failing-as-a-mother

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    1. I have read that and love it! Thanks for the reminder!

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  3. Your a good mommy, I do the same thing, we don't have lots of help and when your a homeschool mommy, everything is much more difficult to get done. Its not easy. I will send you a homeschoolers devotional....it is wonderful. Saves me from feeling guilty about NOT getting it ALL done.
    XO

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    1. Thank you! I would love that! Glad I have such supportive friends! I need to reach out more often. These are two of my favorites (I should have re-read before my weekend) that you might find helpful, too: http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2012/11/9/why-youre-never-failing-as-a-mother
      and
      http://steermerightscc.com/2012/12/05/take-a-break-d-e-a-r/

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  4. Well I was impressed - and exhausted - just reading all of that!

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    1. LOl! Thanks for making me smile! Yes it was long, so thank you for reading through it. Many more freakouts to come I'm sure. Somehow I can't stop overloading my plate.

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  5. I'm sorry you had that kind of day, but hope the realizations and reaffirmations of what you do value in a day, in schooling, etc. hold true for a while and give you peace. : ) On ANY day, if your kids are safe and fed and you at some point look them each in the eye and tell them you love them--that is a FINE day. Then anything else we manage to do is the icing on it! ; ) But it is hard when there is so much pressing upon you, pulling you in too many directions--sounds like I'm talking about taffy, which is not a bad analogy--so I am glad you ended up finding Perspective and remembering to breathe.

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    1. Thank you! And I am the one who puts all this pressure on myself! Definitely felt like stretched taffy! LOL! Love the analogy! Thank you for your words. I'm breathing again and have remembered the important things.

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  6. I love this post. Sometimes we don't need someone to tell us how to do things better we just need to know we are not alone!

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    1. I so agree! I usually know what I can do to be better, but hard to change the anxiety and emotions in the moment. Not feeling alone, in any kind of struggle, is the most powerful thing!

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  7. Girl, you need a BREAK! Or at least a way to cope . . . try this: Left Foot, Right Foot, Breathe . . . Left Foot, Right Foot, Breathe . . . Left Foot, Right Foot, Breathe . . .

    Oh, and a handy abbreviation you can write in even the smallest space: LF, RF, BR . .. LF, RF, BR. . . .

    Best . . . JohnD

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    1. Thank you! That's a better mantra to have repeating in my head! I have had better days since, even taken some breaks! Today I was completely childless to go Christmas shopping! Wandering isles at my leisure! It was bliss.

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  8. Wow! Are you sure you haven't taken a peek at my life? :) It CAN be so overwhelming, especially when home schooling. Home schooling moms are not given enough credit! It is as if society says since "you" choose to home school then you should have every thing in order and organized. The ultimate June Cleaver and Martha Stewart wrapped into one. When they find out it isn't like that, the home school is made to feel guilty and society mutters under its breath that perhaps if you sent your kids to "real school" then you'd be more successful at managing things.

    Get real.

    Home school moms are awesome! AND you are lucky enough to have a husband who recognizes what you do and gives you room to breathe when you need to.

    Blessings,
    Marcia

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    1. I will take a peek at your life now! ;) Yes we sure are awesome, aren't we? I can realize that when I'm not totally stressing myself out! Thank you for your comments!

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  9. Sounds as if you need a break mommy. If you are able to sit down and crank out a few posts on the weekend when you have someone there to help with the kids, I would suggest trying to write a few on the weekend and scheduling them to be posted on your blog. You sound very busy and take pride in making sure your kids are well taken care of.

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    1. Been meaning to schedule some future posts, on the loooong list of things to do. I've since created a relaxed schedule that has been working well; don't know that more gets done, but I haven't been so hard on myself! Thank you for your suggestions!

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  10. Leah.... My house is eternally messy. My kids never get haircuts till they beg. The dog needs a bath... and she begs all the time (she may never get her hair cut though she needs it). My husband is on his way home, and I'm bailing out on cooking. Again. Pizza (with coupons) is my friend.

    Enjoy your family... Enjoy the weekend!
    Hugs!

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    1. Yes, I just have to put it into perspective, I really so A LOT! (All us moms do!) and not have such high expectations of myself. Thank you!

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  11. Reading your post (and comments) makes me feel less alone... Hugs for the days are tough & high fives for the better days.

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    1. Just feeling like you're not alone is such a huge help! Parenting is the hardest thing ever! Especially when you have other jobs as well and super high expectations of yourself in each. Same back to you (hugs & fives!) We deserve it!

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  12. This is such a truthful post. We have good days, we have bad days. We are definitely our own toughest critics. Hang in my friend!

    Thank you for linking to Raising Imperfection.
    Please come back Friday to see if you were featured. :)

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    Raising-Reagan.com

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    1. yes we are! I'm still trying not to be so hard on myself. Thanks!

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  13. Hang in there, things will get better.

    Thank you for linking up to Raising Imperfection!
    Make sure to check back on Friday to see if you were featured.
    Leslie
    www.violetimperfection.com

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    1. I'll be back to link up again. Thanks! and thanks for commenting!

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  14. Wow this is crazy! When I first got into my health business I felt like this some days before as well! I'm sure every mom goes through it somehow, some way. You are not alone with this at all. I'm so glad you found a way to get things under control. Found your blog under the SITS featured blogger area! Congrats on being selected! I was already following you and that made me excited! :)

    XoXo,
    Brittnei
    http://homemakingwithstyle.blogspot.com

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  15. Wow every mom can relate to this for sure!! I've had many days like that and (as I type this) one of my sons is whining and the other is watching videos on the iPad and in about 2 min all hell is going to break loose!! Why are they up so early anyway??? UGH!!!! This is a great post and happy SITS Day!

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  16. Leah, I have definitely been where you were on that Monday. No matter how hard we try to keep all the plates spinning, days like that inevitably happen. It's nice to know we aren't alone as moms trying to be the best mamas we can, and have satisfying and productive careers, too.

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  17. Leah, I have definitely been where you were on that Monday. No matter how hard we try to keep all the plates spinning, days like that inevitably happen. It's nice to know we aren't alone as moms trying to be the best mamas we can, and have satisfying and productive careers, too.

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  18. Ah yes, I remember these days. Life is just bursting, and there are never enough hours (or hours when you have energy) to proceed. So thankful for the blessing of a fresh day, and the fresh perspective it can bring. You are great... and it has nothing to do with what you accomplish:) Stopping in from SITS.

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  19. Boy, isn't that the way life goes? Awful one day and feeling good the next. I'm glad you had a good day. I'm sorry the other day was so overwhelming. I hope you can forgive yourself for those down days. Maybe just think of them as the contrast that helps us recognize the good days.

    I hope today is a good day for you and you see it.

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  20. Even with all the kids out of the house, I still feel like my life shadows yours. Today is my first day back to school. The grading, the lesson plans, the house, and so on. Beautiful blog but rather down until the light shown for you and your family. Writing after work and before everything else is my mantra for this school year. Enjoy your SITS Day.

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  21. Yes, I've been there too. With two homeschool graduates(and one college graduate,) my house is much neater and quieter now, but I miss the creative frenzy of having kids at home learning. I LOVE the board game! Stopped by from SITS. We have much in common.

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  22. As mommies we go through SO much sometimes, but you got through that like a pro! Enjoy your SITS day!

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  23. How grand it is to realize you are loved ALL the time, even when you are not living up to all your standards. We are quite the kindreds, with all the things we do and yes, all our shortcomings as well.

    May your SITS day be blessed with fantabulous visitors and people who are as glad as I to find you!

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  24. I love this post! I can so relate! Some days I feel like a total failure! Some days I'm on my game! We are too hard on ourselves aren't we?

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  25. A post we can all relate too...I don't think there is any Mom who has felt she mastered it all. We all have those days that feel like they just get out of our hands. I'm glad you made it through and when I have my next crazy day i can know I'm not alone either!

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  26. Love it! Don't we all have those days as moms!! Happy SITS day!!

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  27. Ahhhh YES. You speak the heart of every mother- and we all need to give ourselves much more grace! "Grace" is my mantra... you are free to borrow it on those horrid days!!! :) Happy SITS day!!

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  28. Yes, I definitely have these moments, which I know will only be compounded once I have children. Days where I feel like a failure, can't get anything done and wonder what's wrong with me, and then by some miracle the following day I feel like totally on top of my game. Thanks for sharing, happy SITS day!

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  29. I don't know whether to be relieved that other women fluctuate between feeling like Queen of the World and the biggest failure there is or be alarmed that apparently it's never going to stop :oP

    That board game looks like fun! Future etsy shop item - boardgamesbymonkey? Happy SITS day!

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  30. As a fellow homeschooling mom, I can so relate! Happy SITS day ;)

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  31. I've been there too. Once I make a mistake or something goes wrong nothing works for the rest of the day and sometimes for the rest of the week. Enjoy your SITS Day.

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  32. Great post! I don't homeschool, but I can completely relate to your feelings.

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